Handling grief

Copyright Alejandro Mallea 2010 Creative Commons

A friend recently lost her sister in law to cancer and asked for advice on how to tell her young children their aunt had died.

In a similar situation I wouldn't know how to start.

I didn't lose anyone close until my late teens and have no experiences to draw on.  I can imagine myself failing to comfort a desperately sad child whilst trying to handle my own grief.

When it happens to us, I don't want to be completely clueless about how to help my daughter or scrabbling around on Google for any scraps of advice I can find.

So without wanting to be morbid, I read around for advice from others who have been through it.

I've sumarised all the suggestions I found below and in an extended list here  in the hope that it might help anyone else having to help a child handle the death of a loved one ...

Suggestions for Coping with Grief

1. Tell child as soon as possible after death          
2. Ensure child is told by you or someone they know and trust
3. Use simple direct words e.g. dead rather than expressions they can misinterpret
4. Don’t be tempted to put off - children will sense something is wrong
5. Explain to very young children what dead means
6. Try to answer questions truthfully & say you don’t know if you don’t
7. Be patient if keep asking when coming back
8. Don’t be afraid to show your own grief including tears
9. Let child’s school, nursery, family friends etc know about the death
10. Try to keep to routines as much as possible
11. Give chance to attend funeral
12. Offer chance to put something in coffin e.g. a farewell letter
13. Be prepared for them to be disturbed by cremation
14. Read some books in which people or animals die
15. Keep talking about person who died
16. Create a memory box they can look at from time to time
17. Be prepared for big swings in mood & emotion
18. Be prepared for children to be angry
19. Be prepared for physical problems e.g. bed wetting
20. If someone is terminally ill prepare child for death

If anyone feels able to share advice from their own experience it would be very welcome.



If you found this post helpful you might also value ...